On Being an Asshole
7/7/2006 5:52:00 PM
7/7/2006 5:00:00 PM [Edited November 12, 2020]
The realization that while you may not regret specific past actions, as there's no use crying over spilt coffee (I haven't had any coffee in two damn days), the regretful feeling persists that certain things might have been handled differently. Especially when it comes to old friends who you've lost (possibly) for good. This said I came across an old friend on MySpace [hahahaha-ha!] just a few minutes ago. We'd been friends a long time before becoming romantically involved. She was honestly a fantastic person, and I can only assume that she has gone on being such. On her site, she mentions a past friend who was an asshole; she says a few other choice things that I'm not sure are necessarily justified. Maybe she was talking about me.
Perhaps I'm a narcissist. It doesn't matter, though. The point is it made me think about my past, various choices, and various actions. Regarding her, I was definitely (at the very least) an asshole. I chose not to contact her, however. If it was me she referred to, then she doesn't need me to continue popping up in her life. I've tried apologizing in the past, but it didn't seem to get us anywhere. I guess, as far as some people are concerned, some things are unforgivable...or maybe it's just that we can never go back to the good stuff we were to each other after a series of unfortunate events - no matter how much forgiveness is given. It is possible to forgive everything. But is it possible to forget that for which we forgive? Just because it may be right to do so does not mean it is wrong not to do so. You follow? If it was not me, well, then she's probably forgotten me, and (having been an asshole) it's probably kinder to let sleeping things sleep. Only the wicked shall have no rest...Anyway, I loved her, and she loved me. We promised to be friends through everything.
We sometimes imagined events that would remove us from each other and imagine that our friendship was strong enough to survive. We'd even said that if we wound up marrying other people, we'd still get together from time to time, just for the fun of it - just because we believed our friendship more vital than any other relationship imaginable. How young and stupid. How emotionally naive! To think that what was intellectually possible was the same as what was emotionally possible. When you're in your late teens and early twenties, you think you've got it all figured, all the angles covered. You think you know just how and why other people fuck up, and you believe that once you get past your own minor emotional foibles, you'll lay the world low with your savoir-faire. But you won't. People never really get over their personal foibles, and the stupendous contradictions these things pose for our intellect.
What we end up doing is compromising ourselves. We end up rationalizing that which we are emotionally compelled to do with our intellectual stance. Thus we are compromised. Therefore we become assholes at certain times. I can never take back being an asshole to my long lost friend (I pray I'm not the asshole she referred to). Still, I can continue to say I'm sorry and continue to wish blessings on her life - even if it is in silence. If we cannot help but be assholes out loud, maybe we can strive to be saints in silence. Maybe, just maybe, that's a more honest way to love your old friends.